does this sound good?
Question by Dany: does this sound good?
This is the begining of my first chapter of my book, Beautiful Insanity. I know this isn’t the best i’ve done, so I am wondering if you guys could help me out,,
10 points to best answer!
Adriana Alcina hid under her covers for protection from the light that shawn through the vary large, white widow in her room. She was worm and comfortable, buried deep in her down duvet.
The birds sung loud and beautifully in the bright morning sun, skipping along the lawns in search for any hidden insects.
It was nice to wake up to such a beautiful sound, Adriana thought, her eyebrows relaxing to a nice, gentle curve. She considered getting up, however, she remained curled up in a tight ball, still hidden from the light.
For all students in the large city of Toronto, this was an unwelcome day that lingered over their heads and haunted their thoughts.
Reyel, Adriana’s stern, cold and unloving step-mother, firmly walked up the grand staircase. Her heels sharply clacking on each step. The clacking was still evident, yet much less noticeable when she reached the mahogany floors of the second story.
The door loudly creaked open. The woman briskly walked to Adriana’s bedside. She took hold of the warm duvet and riped it back, off of Adriana’s body entirely.
After a moment, Royale Reyele swiftly and rudely informed her stepdaughter. “It’s time for school. Samantha will be driving, and you will not make her late on her first day.” she scolded, locking eyes with the less than stunned Adriana.
“Well,” Adriana coughed loudly, raking her ribs. They still hurt, and hadn’t healed as well as the doctors had wanted them to. “Good morning to you too,” Adriana said, fairly calm and without a wont of sarcasm.
“I’m waiting, get up.” Reyele commanded.
Adriana simply sighed and stretched her body. He joints popped and in response relaxed, however they still itched to tackle the wicked woman to the ground.
Reyele tapped her foot impatiently, her arms crossed over her chest.
Adriana arched her back and immediately loosened all the muscles in her back and stiff neck. She dragged it out as long as she could, and Finlay sat up when Reyele’s face looked as if she had eaten something sour, perhaps curdled milk.
“Is my dad home?” Adriana wondered. Her legs dangled off the high bed, swinging, banging against the white wood of the slats.
“No, he went to work,” she replied coldly. “Samantha will be leaving in half an hour,” she continued, glancing at the silver watch around he wrist. “If you want a ride, you should-”
“I am capable of driving myself, thank you very much.” Adriana curtly cut off. Her father had told her of the mechanics estimate, hoping he had hit the target.
Royale smirked slyly. “Your car has to be kept for further repairs, so it looks like you will need a ride, unless you want to walk?” she shamelessly turned her back on the poor girl, who’s mouth was hanging open in disbelief, and shut the thick door behind her.
Adriana made her way to the joint bathroom, hitting the play button on her touch screen stereo system her i-pod was always connected to, before reaching the door.
Getting ready was a mindless blur. She wore a simple, white sun dress, seeing as how it was to be an odd twenty-five degrees outside.
Adriana buttered half a piece of toast and gave the other half to the doberman who was so eagerly watching her. Drool hung in thick strings from her lips and kept climbing down the longer she looked at the girl eat.
Best answer:
Answer by Butters
http://www.online-literature.com/
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Tagged with: Does • good • sound • this
Filed under: Birds
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lol I’ve read this before…I’m not sure if I commented on it though.
Anyway, there are some spelling mistakes like ‘shawn’, ‘widow’ and ‘worm’…but they’re probably typos?
It’s a good beginning, not exactly a hook but not boring either. You’ve got a nice style of writing, not overly descriptive, and it flows alright.
There are a few sentences in there that were a bit…awkward…but it’s your story. So just read it aloud, and if anything sounds wrong then get rid of it. I’m sure if you edit it a few times it’ll be really good.
So… I’m going to go through a quick spell check for you.
This isn’t the whole thing because I don’t have that much attention to focus.
The light shone through the windows, not shawn.
She is warm under the covers, not worm. Unless she’s a worm. Is she a real doctor, is she a real worm, an actual worm. (sorry, got distracted by my brain. They Might Be Giants song “Dr. Worm” look it up, it’s good.)
The birds sang loudly. They may have sung, but sang sounds better in my opinion.
Ripped it back, not riped. Riped would be something that has become ripe.
“Rudely informed” before the quote and then “scolded” after makes for difficult reading. I’d say choose one, or combine them “She Rudely scolded her saying”. Otherwise it feels repetitive.
Her joints popped, you missed an r. it’s easy to do.
Maybe mention the temp as 25C. Because I have no idea how warm/cold that is in Farenheit but 25F is below freezing and would be bad sun dress weather.
Altogether, not too bad. I’ve read worse, and seen more typos in published works.
I think it sounds good, apart from the spelling mistakes.
And from your answer to my question,
The Bridge to Holy Cross is the other name for for Tatiana and Alexander. I highly reccommend Tully from what I have read and i’ve heard that Eleven Hours is good too.
Try and find the Summer Garden. It is honestly amazing, you will love it, it answers everything